On Swiftly Healing Wings

It was such a great day. I woke up feeling like a king. Breakfast was perfect, and I felt too good to walk myself to the gym and worry about what I was looking like these days. I had the Rolling Stones playing loud and free, and the crows dropped by to smoke cigarettes and conversate upon my balcony. They blew smoke rings into the wind and laughed proudly at me and my happy morning. "We've all had broken hearts", one of them said to me. "We've all been knocked out the sky, left stranded on the ground, with no power in these wings to lift us up, not for a while. But the right wind will come, and you're wings will be ready, and you'll take to the sky like our brother, and soar. Patience young squire. Your wind is coming."

I'm sitting here waiting. Not doing much at all. You see I'm waiting for her to think of me too. Because I'll it know when she does. My heart will actually shift inside my chest, like a comatose man's fingers. I'm waiting in case she calls me. I don't want to be asleep when she does. How pathetic do I feel? How lonely I am. And she can read this. I hate that she will, and I hope she will at the same time. Equally. We're all such bewildering creatures, we humans. Can someone Divine please just smack us a clue? No? You enjoy the unending drama and entertainment, don't you Watcher? It's pleasurable for you, to see us shamble through all this pain and confusion, watching our fleeting moments of joy flickering like candles on a darkling plain? Well take a good look at this smile right here.

I am happier today. Tomorrow, I shall be happier still. Every day is a present and I really live it that way. It's just I'm doing it alone. I got used to having her lying there on the couch, smiling up at me through her sleepy eyelashes, beckoning me to her side. I would sit on the floor in front of her, and rest my chin upon the same pillow as her cheek, and see how long we could go before we kissed. It was never very long. That's what I miss most. The looking up and seeing her there. She made heaven not hard to find.

And it's hard not to call her. It's harder still not to answer when she does. You can put distance between yourselves, you can try. But love cannot vanish, love cannot be destroyed or transformed from one state into another. Love waits, love insists, love is the reason science will never outdistance faith. Forget the God particle, fellows. Someone get looking for that Love particle. I wish I was strong enough to walk away clean and wipe my mind clean of her. I wish I could forget. But I know that even if I did, one day I'd find myself standing on her lonelier street with no idea how I got there.

I've been sitting here for three hours doing all sorts of little nothings, waiting for my phone to ring. Twice tonight I thought it did, and leaped up to answer it. Once it was someone else, and the other time it hadn't rung in the first place. That one scared me. How much of ourselves do we have to give away before the other tells us it's love? How much of our happiness resides so casually in another's hands?

But should that mean we should regret loving someone? Should it make us hesitant the next time? I think not. When love comes around again I plan to leap off the cliff after it, broken wings be damned. I've learned so much now. I've felt Love's caress. I've glimpsed the higher truths hidden behind this imperfect flesh. And if I was worthy of it once, how can it not come to me again?

You were my favorite habit, you were my coffee and my tea. But I'm going to keep walking darling. I can't stay waiting here for you. You've got your own journey, one you are anxious to begin. I wish you luck, my love. You know I do. And if our paths are meant to cross again, nothing would make me happier. We'd do it all better, we'd show them how loving is meant to be done. You cured me of anxiousness and faithlessness. You cleansed me of self-doubt. You showed me I was capable of the greatest thing a man can manage to do. I'm just sorry it couldn't have been with you. But let's not worry about each other. You've got a beautiful home waiting, and I'm going to find another you.