Stream of Consciousness Poem

There was a moment,
As I took the illegal turn
Onto my street,
The one I can only take
When the good people
Are sleeping weary and deep,
When I thought I saw you
In your car, behind me.
And you followed so close
All the way to the last turn.
I told my heart to stop,
And looked again,
Just before the road rose
For home.
But the road was empty.
Like this car.
Like this room.
Like this heart.
Like this poem.

Stream of Consciousness Poem

And I just get confused sometimes.
Surely that's allowed.
And I say the wrong things,
Now and again.
Between your smiles and
The tears you'll shed again,
I just get turned around.
Somedays we're standing in the light,
Others we turn away from
Each other into the dark.
Somedays you reach for me,
As I'm walking away.
Others I sit wondering,
Why I never know
The right things to say.
But today, I remember.
And the sunshine reminded me of you,
As did the percussion of the wind
As it beat through the palm trees.
And the smoke that curled
Like a dancer from my mouth,
Looked a little like you,
Dancing through my room.
And I get angry sometimes.
And I'll punch a wall or two,
But I brush your pain away too,
And I mean it when I say,
I love you.

Inspired by The National's "About Today"

Today you couldn't stay.
Even after a perfect night,
I had to watch you,
Walk away.
What could I say?
What words did I know,
That could keep you,
Beside me today?
Tonight I'll have to just,
Close my eyes.
And hope that I sleep,
Like the dead.
You called me today,
And told me about your day.
The things that made you cry,
The things that made you crazy.
You called me.
How close am I to losing you?
How close am I to losing me?
How close will I have to get
To the bottom of it all?
How long can I pretend,
That I'm okay?
Can I ask you to stay?
Just for a while?
Can we not be,
These shadows we've become.
Let's be free,
To give and to take.
Don't walk away.
Say that you'll stay.
Even though it'll hurt,
And there'll be some pain,
And there ain't no easy way,
Say that you'll stay.
Because you want to.

Lyrics to "ABOUT TODAY" by the National

Today you were far away,
And I didn't ask you why.
What could I say?
I was far away.
You just walked away.
And I just watched you.
What could I say?

How close am I to losing you?

Tonight you just close your eyes,
And I watch you,
Slip away.

How close am I to losing you?

Hey, you're awake.
Yeah, I'm right here.
Well can I ask you about today?

How close am I to losing you?
How close am I to losing?

Warrior

Tonight I saw one of the greatest movies I have ever seen in my life - Warrior.  I urge, I beg, I threaten you all to go and see this exquisite portrayal of desperation, and love, and pain, and regret, and a fighter's undying spirit.  Seldom has a movie moved me with such implacable force.  I wept like a child watching the scenes between Nick Nolte and his sons Tom Hardy and Joel Edgerton.   I exulted like kid watching a fight for the first time on television during those balletic, beautiful brawls between the fighters.

Tonight I was reminded just how great a profession I am a part of.   To say this film was profound in its powerful performances, it's riveting action, it's heartbreaking and poignant portrayal of a broken family would be nothing much.  Nick Nolte take a fucking bow.  How do you bring such pain and perseverance to a role of a recovering drunk, and a war vet, and a fight trainer, who drove away both his sons and now wants to make amends so badly?  Tom Hardy you need an Oscar.  You really really do.   Joel Edgerton, welcome to the big leagues my boy.  Welcome.

Goddess of Cinema, patron Lady of my Pilgrim Pretender's Heart - thank you.  Thank you for reminding me once again, that I am blessed to have been allowed to stand here an actor.  I will work harder, I will train tougher, I will feel deeper, I will laugh loud and deep, I shall weep until the tears hurt, I will love this world with a warrior's heart.

My version of Leonard Cohen's I'M YOUR MAN

(work in progress)

When you want to laugh,
I'll put on a hat,
And sing a song for you.
When you are shy, I'll go
Alone into that store,
And buy a thong for you.
When you want apples,
I'll climb a tree.
When you want tender I'll
Bury the beast in me.
I'll make you happy,
Baby, you know I can.
Say it with me,
I'm your man.

If you need a tower
To shelter you from harm,
I would stand tall for you.
Any crime you had to commit,
I'd raise a false alarm or,
Take the fall for you.
Just think before you walk away,
It might be the wrong season to.
And if you need to let it all out and cry,
I'd give you good reason to.

If you ever get bored
With my positions,
I'd read all of the books for you.
If you ever pushed
Away your plate unhappy,
I'd kill all of the cooks for you.
If you're feeling naughty
I'll get the cuffs.
If you want to spank me
And never hear "Enough!"
Take your ruler in hand.
I'm your man.

I know things didn't go
According to your master-plan.
You said it would work,
Now you say it can't.
When you're feeling lonely,
You slip in my sheets.
You call me to pick you up,
Then walk down the street.
If you need a lover or a friend,
Even here at the end.
You want it to be me.
Well, here I am.
I'm your man.

Ah you're burning all the bridges
That I might have crossed.
And you're changing your mind
With every coin you toss.
And I have to understand.
Because I'm your man.

Find another man.
To give you all you want
Exactly when you want it.
Demand any kind of kiss,
I'll tell him where to plant it.
Break down and cry,
At the drop of a sigh.
Come over to my house,
And drink my tea.
Then tell me you want
Some distance from me.

This ain't love
It's a damn disease.
The first symptom
Is wear and tear
On the knees.
Anything you disliked
I tried to change.
Even the things that
Sounded a little strange.
I shot my good sense,
Bludgeoned my pride.
All to get back inside.
Damn it, damn it, damn.
I'm your man.

Thoughts in a Bangkok Traffic Jam

I thought of you not at all today.
Until the sun started to set.
I thought of you then, I'll admit,
Watching the dying of the light.
Now I shall think of you no more.
I shall gather up my things,
Those pieces still left of me
And learn to wander again,
Happy by fire and starlight.
I shall make a gypsy of my heart.
And pilgrims of my thoughts.
And my words shall be my minstrels.
I shall sing my happier songs,
In grand apartments on dirty streets,
And little castles built from blushes.
I'll sit at hearth fires with the good folk,
Who were strangers when I entered,
But will be sad to watch me leave.
And I shall give them the happy songs,
The ones I wrote for you.

Far From Over

Love, patience, and time.
These are the important things.
And you say this to me,
As if needing each other were a crime.

Space is what you really need,
Enough to face your confusion alone.
But every time I try to walk away,
You make sure I cannot leave.

Please tell me we aren't addicted.
Let's say it was love and now it's done.
Let's walk away fast and easy,
Before we're left broken and twisted.

I don't want to want you to hold me,
I know I helped put that tremble in your voice.
I try so hard not to cross the shaking distance,
You try to keep as you scold me.

And I'm full of cliches today.
Full of easy rhymes and obvious words.
But what use are these words really?
They couldn't get you to stay.

Addiction

It's all much too much,
For me tonight.
Wicked games we play,
No end no respite.
We hurt each other,
Between smiles.
We hold each other now.
While sharpening
Our many knives.
It's all a game,
And I'm all in,
Even though I know
I cannot win.
I left my pride
At the door.
And my heart scattered
Across your floor.
I felt the pain
My friend held back
As he hugged me,
And asked me,
How you holding up?
I saw you look at me
Out of the corner,
Of your eye.
And I couldn't
Do the smart thing,
And look away.
I feel like a fool.
And this isn't,
What you want to hear.
You who've listened
Far too much.
I'm sorry.
Tomorrow I shall return
To a comfortable light.
But it's much too much
For me tonight.
I need to beat this,
This strange addiction.
To brush against you,
For that familiar friction.
You are mine,
I was yours,
Why did we fuck around?
You are the only one.
You were the only one.
And I know that
I really shouldn't stay.
But no matter how
Many times I say it,
I can't seem
To walk away.

Ganpatti

I shut the windows
Against the noise,
Of all the people in the street.
I shut the windows,
Against the Desperate,
Screaming and shouting,
And dancing like devils,
Caked in the red powder
They keep throwing in the sky.
Hoping wearily,
That this will be the year,
Their God finally notices.
But the rain falls,
Harder every night.
Still they walk,
Still they dance.
Still I sit,
Upon my lonely balcony,
Wondering why
I am not there,
Down on that street.
Let the god not notice,
At least we're dancing,
Together.

On Swiftly Healing Wings

It was such a great day. I woke up feeling like a king. Breakfast was perfect, and I felt too good to walk myself to the gym and worry about what I was looking like these days. I had the Rolling Stones playing loud and free, and the crows dropped by to smoke cigarettes and conversate upon my balcony. They blew smoke rings into the wind and laughed proudly at me and my happy morning. "We've all had broken hearts", one of them said to me. "We've all been knocked out the sky, left stranded on the ground, with no power in these wings to lift us up, not for a while. But the right wind will come, and you're wings will be ready, and you'll take to the sky like our brother, and soar. Patience young squire. Your wind is coming."

I'm sitting here waiting. Not doing much at all. You see I'm waiting for her to think of me too. Because I'll it know when she does. My heart will actually shift inside my chest, like a comatose man's fingers. I'm waiting in case she calls me. I don't want to be asleep when she does. How pathetic do I feel? How lonely I am. And she can read this. I hate that she will, and I hope she will at the same time. Equally. We're all such bewildering creatures, we humans. Can someone Divine please just smack us a clue? No? You enjoy the unending drama and entertainment, don't you Watcher? It's pleasurable for you, to see us shamble through all this pain and confusion, watching our fleeting moments of joy flickering like candles on a darkling plain? Well take a good look at this smile right here.

I am happier today. Tomorrow, I shall be happier still. Every day is a present and I really live it that way. It's just I'm doing it alone. I got used to having her lying there on the couch, smiling up at me through her sleepy eyelashes, beckoning me to her side. I would sit on the floor in front of her, and rest my chin upon the same pillow as her cheek, and see how long we could go before we kissed. It was never very long. That's what I miss most. The looking up and seeing her there. She made heaven not hard to find.

And it's hard not to call her. It's harder still not to answer when she does. You can put distance between yourselves, you can try. But love cannot vanish, love cannot be destroyed or transformed from one state into another. Love waits, love insists, love is the reason science will never outdistance faith. Forget the God particle, fellows. Someone get looking for that Love particle. I wish I was strong enough to walk away clean and wipe my mind clean of her. I wish I could forget. But I know that even if I did, one day I'd find myself standing on her lonelier street with no idea how I got there.

I've been sitting here for three hours doing all sorts of little nothings, waiting for my phone to ring. Twice tonight I thought it did, and leaped up to answer it. Once it was someone else, and the other time it hadn't rung in the first place. That one scared me. How much of ourselves do we have to give away before the other tells us it's love? How much of our happiness resides so casually in another's hands?

But should that mean we should regret loving someone? Should it make us hesitant the next time? I think not. When love comes around again I plan to leap off the cliff after it, broken wings be damned. I've learned so much now. I've felt Love's caress. I've glimpsed the higher truths hidden behind this imperfect flesh. And if I was worthy of it once, how can it not come to me again?

You were my favorite habit, you were my coffee and my tea. But I'm going to keep walking darling. I can't stay waiting here for you. You've got your own journey, one you are anxious to begin. I wish you luck, my love. You know I do. And if our paths are meant to cross again, nothing would make me happier. We'd do it all better, we'd show them how loving is meant to be done. You cured me of anxiousness and faithlessness. You cleansed me of self-doubt. You showed me I was capable of the greatest thing a man can manage to do. I'm just sorry it couldn't have been with you. But let's not worry about each other. You've got a beautiful home waiting, and I'm going to find another you.

Do Yourself a Favor

The feverishly religious and their militant hopes are thronging my street, besieging this castle of solitary splendor with their clamor and their annoying pipe horns and their constant shouting that has no doubt caused the very god they're praising to plug his ears with the divine ear plugs and roll over in his bed muttering very ungodly things.

But here I sit, nursing a swiftly mending heart and a truly divine cup of that nectar that only serves to prove the presence of the Divine - coffee. Yes, it's my holy sacrament along with Bourbon biscuits and a leather couch. Praise the Goddess of my quiet nights!

So...to drown out these hooligans and their cacophonous celebrations I have been doing what any self-respecting New York souled boy would do - playing really really loud music. Even my neighbors are happy. So I thought I would share the playlist with you, my darling friends and followers of this man's ramblings.

1) John West Feat Pusha T - Lovely : Came upon this quite by accident and have been playing it on repeat ever since. The voice, the production, not to mention that delicious girl in the video. Sweet Lord o mine. Music is the only real magic left in the world other than a woman's caress whilst listening to said music. Enjoy me hearties.

2) Cassie Feat Fabolous - Radio : "Shook Ones" is one of my all time favorite beats. Just pure hip-hop knocking through your speakers. And although this song isn't perfect, I wish that Fabolous had some more bars to bless rather than give over to the only mediocre voice of Cassie, I must tip my fedora to the effort. A very very decent song. Worthy of being played this night.

3) ACDC - Thunderstruck : No one needs to be told how powerful a good ACDC song can be. They have and can still shake you all night long. This song was reintroduced to me by Pushan, one of the truly more spectacular humans I've had the pleasure of befriending. A man whose musical tastes and refinement actually exceed my own. Trust me. Play this really loud and I guarantee you'll be starting bar fights and speeding and smacking asses in no time, no matter how blue you might be.

4) The Game - Ricky : For hardcore lovers of Hip-Hop only. And if you've ever been curious, give this a listen. The R.E.D. Album recently released has been something of a disappointment. The Game clearly isn't trying to fix his flaws so much as cover them up with proper production and lyrics but fair enough. At least even in a mediocre album he's able to come out with such a banger. I love the way they used the audio from John Singleton's classic "Boyz n da Hood" and that beat...that beat be sounding like it's been performed by an orchestral pit of silverbacks and Odinsons. Shit gets the people going, son. Louder louder louder.

5) Drake - Marvin's Room : I'm sure most of you've heard this before. I really really like both the song and the idea of it. Many of us have drunk dialed or called our exes in the depths of the heavier emotions looking for something we can barely understand. When the loneliness and the feeling that our lives have lost foundation and we're adrift in a sea of self-indulgence and self-destructive impulses. This is a song I relate to right here, right now. Worth a listen even if you don't like Hip-Hop.

6) Alexandra Stan - Saxobeat - Cyrus Sahukar and Satyadeep Misra, this one is for you brothers of my soul. Just listen to the song. It'll shake the dance out of your clogged arteries.

7) Miles Davis - Chocolate Chip : If you don't know who Miles Davis is...sigh, oh the humanity. Find out here. Do yourself a favor.

8) Asa - Baby Gone : All my friends have heard this song and loved it. Which is usually the most critical acclaim a song can get, because they are all people of highly selective, highly eclectic tastes. Asa is one of my favorite soul singers whose self-titled album and the newer one "Beautiful Imperfections" I highly recommend. But listen to this song. Again a song about heartbreak, I know I know, but I'm in that kind of month. But so gorgeously sung that it transcends the heartbreak that inspired it.

9) Jay-Z - Public Service Announcement (Paul Nice Remix) : Good God Almighty that is one bomb-ass beat over one of the best of all time doing his thang thang. Hip-Hop I love. Enough said.

10) Cassie Feat Jadakiss - Make You A Believer : This beat just friggin BANGS. And Jadamuah earned his paycheck. Definite grinding club banger right here.

In Repair

What more can I say?
What more could I do?
I ran out of hours,
Waiting in the dark for you.
Oh, the flesh was willing,
But it's never had a clue.
We were headed for trouble,
I knew this to be true.
Thank you for tonight,
And the love we almost made.
You fell asleep after saying,
You were happy I had stayed.
I was a pilgrim for your love,
And you're not the temple for me?
I'm in the middle of your street,
And the rain's falling so unkindly.
I'm snarling back at all the dogs
I'm watching the cars drive by.
I'm a mountain to my friends,
But I feel like ash on the inside.
I became everything you wanted,
I was better, I really was ready.
Now I'm not sure I'm fit to drive,
I can barely blink steady.
Too much smoke in my lungs,
Too many shadows in my mind.
Too many hours left in the night,
Too much love to just put behind.
Found all the right words to say,
Only I said them far too late.
I'll try to leave all my furniture intact.
I'll be strong enough not to hate.


You came over to tell me,
To try and make me understand.
But I knew before you even spoke.
In the way you took my hand.
Then you cupped my still dry cheeks,
And promised you didn't blame me.
Oh I tried to find the right words,
But what I said did nothing but shame me.
I tried to stop speaking and make some tea.
But I just kept saying I was sorry.
I thought if I stirred this cup just right,
You'd remember the love you have for me.
You made me promise not to hurt myself,
I laughed until I hurt everywhere.
I should be so much better,
But I'm in repair. I'm getting there.
I saw the sun shine finally,
After days of torrential rain.
And my sister made me smile today,
Told me she loved me, then told me again.
They're dancing like devils before their idols,
All the hooligans in the street.
And you're telling me to keep the faith.
That's there's a plan, stay upbeat.
I know it's all true. I'll get better,
Get it together, get my heart repaired.
But for now I'm feeling broken,
As broken as I'm about to make this chair.
I'll be building castles in no time,
Dancing like the dervishes do.
I shall say "I am happy".
And soon I will be, too.

But tonight...

Lyrics to a Great Song

Most of the time I'm clear focused all around
Most of the time I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path, I can read the signs
Stay right with it when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever I stumble upon
I don't even notice she's gone
Most of the time

Most of the time, it's well understood
Most of the time. I wouldn't change it if I could
I can't make it all match up, I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation right down to the bone
I can survive, I can endure
And I don't even think about her
Most of the time

Most of the time
My head is on straight. Most of the time,
I'm strong enough not to hate
I don't build up illusion until it makes me sick
I ain't afraid of confusion, no matter how thick
I can smile in the face of mankind
Don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine
Most of the time

Most of the time
She ain't even in my mind
I wouldn't know her if I saw her
She's that far behind
Most of the time I can't even be sure
If she was ever with me, or if I was with her

Most of the time
I'm halfway content
Most of the time
I know exactly where it all went
I don't cheat on myself, I don't run and hide
Hide from the feelings, that are buried inside
I don't compromise and I don't pretend
I don't even care if I ever see her again
Most of the time

Bless you Bob Dylan. Bless you.

Do Yourself a Favor

This one, me hearties, shall be to titillate your cinematic erogenous zones. This is a list of movies I'm dying to see, and think you should be dying to see as well. For those of us in India, let us pray some of these make it to the cinemas here without being butchered by the pudgy hands of a highly unskilled, graceless censor. For those of you abroad - you lucky lucky bastards.

1) DRIVE - the new film by Nicholas Winding Refn (who directed the brutally awesome "Bronson", another gem you should DVD immediately), starring the supremely gifted Ryan Gosling (who I'm glad to see is getting more deserving work now) as a Hollywood stuntman who moonlights as a wheelman, whose life is imperiled when a heist he's involved in goes south. The soundtrack is lush, the acting is superb, the reviewers I've read were basically drooling all over their popcorn the entire film. Do yourself a favor, do not miss this one. (and anyone that thinks "Transporter" after seeing this film is a douche)

2) A Dangerous Method - David Cronenberg and Viggo Mortenson, one of the more exhilarating director/actor partnerships since Scorcese and DeNiro are back with a film about Sigmund Freud, his friend Carl Jung, and a very fetching Russian woman who likes to be spanked. After "A History of Violence" and the ridiculously good "Eastern Promises" I'm dying to see what this duo serves up. And also they've roped in Michael Fassbender, whom you'll remember most recently as Magneto in the "X-Men First Class" movie. Another supremely captivating screen presence who has been waiting in the wings for his time to come for a long while. We're all glad its here, especially my sister who has asked me to club him over the head and deliver him to her doorstep whenever I can, thanks.

3) Warrior - Been waiting for this film for a minute now. I love Tom Hardy as an actor. I think he's got wonderful physical presence and capabilities, just watch the aforementioned "Bronson" to see. There's a reason he's been cast as Bane, the man who finally breaks the Bat, in Christopher Nolan's "Dark Knight Rises" film. And a movie about mixed martial arts with a tortured father and his two fighter sons story thrown in. Hand me that popcorn baby, and turn off that damn cell phone or you'll be getting missed calls in your stomach.

4) The Thing - One of those cult horror/creature features like Aliens and Predator that we all grew up watching and loving and having strange dreams about is being revived but as a prequel to the events of the eighties classic. The story is about what happened to that first team that dug the "Thing" from out of the Antarctic Ice shelf. This is guaranteed to be a fun watch. Not all films have to be blockbusters or win Oscars. Some are just to remind you of all those childhood days that you watched movies wrapped in your father's blanket, peeking through the fingers wrapped around your face at the incredible things on the screen.

5) Like Crazy - I love well done romantic films. I really do. I'm not afraid to admit it. A great romantic film is like a poem, full of deeper meanings and soaring joys and the heart-clenching sadness that squeezes your will and wisdom into fear. This is a story about a British college student who falls for an American student only to be torn away from him when she is banned from the U.S. for overstaying her visa. I think it's a very poignant and relevant issue in this increasingly accessible and yet xenophobic world. How does love survive Homeland Security? Does Homeland Security even understand the word? Do they even care? As someone who has lost a nascent, but powerful love to the vagaries of visa laws myself, you can understand why this film is on my must-watch list. That and the trailer has my favorite cover of "Can't Help Falling in Love" by the ethereal Ingrid Michaelson.

6) The Rum Diary - Hunter S. Thompson + Johnny Depp = Fuhgidabowdit! Anyone that misses this movie is a chump. I've been wanting to smack Johnny Depp for his last couple of outings and have stayed my hand at the brilliance evident in this trailer. Enough sailing around the Caribbean or getting overwhelmed by Angelina Leave-Them-Kids-Alone Jolie. Get back to the acting Johnny boy.


And on the musical tip. If you haven't clicked on the Ingrid Michaelson recommendation above, do so. Then play this hugely fun song complete with a charming video called "The Understanding" by the Jones Street Station. I've just heard it, never heard of the band before. But I'm going to find out and let you know whether they have more under the hood than this one gem.

And finally just for me, turn your speakers up way too loud and play this until the neighbors call the cops, preferably as you're getting dressed to go out clubbing or meet your lover. Get's the people going. Always has always will - "Thunderstruck" by ACDC.