The Loss of Absence

I'm thinking of someone
Who was never there.
It's strange to say, but
There will be no change
In the routines of my days.
You were never around.
And now you won't ever be.
I'll have to find someone new
To hang this bit of anger on.
Now that you're done
Playing that role for me.
Maybe that's how we know,
We've finally grown up.
When new knives cut,
Into old wounds.
I'm thinking of a man,
I never knew.
Except as someone everyone
else seemed to know well.
And never failed to tell me so.
There is no feeling of loss.
Except a curious absence
Of absence itself.

I'm thinking of my
fatherless father.
And the grief he
cannot show.
Someone has to be
the patriarch now,
In this family of
Petulant children.
I'm thinking of a funeral
I cannot attend.
I'm thinking of the pyre
and the smoke. And the red
Eyed faces all around.
But mostly I'm thinking of him.
Alone on a hospital bed,
An old servant his only friend.

I'm thinking of the silly words
He would always say to me,
And the love I always saw
Shining in his eyes.
He's burning now,
Surrounded by important people,
Discussing tomorrow's agenda.
And family members
Discussing divisions and shares.
And the people who loved him
Standing behind all the security.
Unable to come close to him.
Because they were never
Important enough.

I'm thinking of you Papa.
Wrapped in stillness,
And the deep cleft in your
brow,
Like the tilak of a holy man.
I'm thinking of you
Watching the Old Man.
Walk up a staircase of smoke.
Into the clear blue sky.
Let him finally know rest,
Alone.