Back into the Sunshine of the Doubtless Mind

I know I'm not the man You created me to be. Mind full of doubt, heart full of hate, and a body that knows nothing but lust and fatigue. I know I'm not the man I was supposed to be. For everything I try to do right, seems I waltz around doing three things wrong. Every time my soul stirs awake out of the slumber of my times and my eyes gleam and my pen sighs with pleasure at the sight of an empty page, all that remains when I'm through is another twisted little song or a now sad empty page. Of all the sins that man can commit, I'm guilty of the worst of them, not realizing my full potential. It's easy coasting along being ever just so slightly above the norm. I could go higher, I could hug and kiss the sky and dance back down on moon beams. I could make this world better. I can make anyone I know laugh until they cry and yet, often, all I want to do is stay in my apartment and sit alone moping about being lonely and unwanted. I could sketch with such burgeoning skill, that my best friend, who is an artist of sublime skill, told me that I too had been touched. When was the last time I picked up a stick of charcoal? when was the last time I dimmed the light and let my eyes wonder at all the marvelous shadows there
were around me, deep and thick like a Carvaggio painting and try to invite them to lay across my sketch book just so? When was the last time I stopped my train of thought at a quiet station and just walked a gentle sloping path up into my hills of peace? I know I haven't turned out like the man I'd hoped I was going to be, when I was sixteen and on my way to the Big Apple, full of dreams and promise, full of that liquid fire flowing like laughter in my veins. I know my apple fell very far from the tree and rolled way the fuck down the hill.

But tonight I want to ask for forgiveness, Goddess. Forgiveness for doubting your love. For doubting that I was exactly who I was meant to be. I needed the scars and the wrinkles and the cracks in my heart. To quote the divine Leonard Cohen, "there is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the Light gets in." And I can feel it tonight. I can feel the blessings.

Thank you for getting me here in one ridiculously rough and ready piece. Thank you for the joy in my heart and the pep in my step, the skip in my hips and the smile on my lips. This night something great begins. Or better yet, this night I finally realize that something great began, and I get to be a part of it. Tonight I am happy to be Arunoday. YEH SAALI ZINDAGI releases this Friday. On Friday, the dreams of a nine year old boy everyone called crazy and deluded come true. That's me baby, up on that marquee. Clap your hands for me one time. Mama I made it. My name flashing in bright, bright lights, and I didn't sell my soul to get here. Dear Mama, I love you, for telling me I'd get here, every night you held me in your arms to cry. Papa I made it. I may have rolled down the hill, away from your tree, but I can feel in your arms when you hold me, that this here cub makes you proud of me. Dear Life, I love you. Thank you for keeping the faith, even when I couldn't.

Here I come. They don't know me yet. But they mudderfugging about to find out.