Stream of Consciousness

Tonight was a night of lingering laughter and sudden sadness. Tonight was a night where even the truest smile seemed a little forced. Tonight seemed a stranger to me, sitting in the corner and staring at me. I saw a woman dance tonight in a way so alien to my own rhythm, in a language I could not understand, to a style my eyes could not decode. And yet it was beautiful. Mythology and grace twisted around the twirl of an ancient gesture. Lifetimes of pain, and oceans of joy held in the bat of an eyelash. She danced until I began to understand, the reasons for my mysterious melancholy, she danced until my every demon sat still. And yet when I could have gone up to her and told her what it had meant to me and given her a sliver of the joy she had given me, I sat in a corner hoping she would notice me. What a strange creature our mind can be to our soul. So inexplicable are the things we do, so inexplicably does our mood shift, divorcing us from a simple moment of contentment on a whim.

Tonight was a good night, despite my best efforts, thankfully. I had a car full of friends on a long, monsoon drive. The music that played was good, and the stories we told were all funny. The table was thumped often, and breath was caught more than once. We hugged each other goodnight with a gentle gratitude, for bringing such simple happiness to each other. The food was divine, and that last cup of coffee a panacea. And yet for a while, whilst everyone else was laughing through another anecdote, I faked a phone call and went outside, to stand at the edge of the rain. With a pocket full of confusion, and a heart stumbling to an unfamiliar song.

I tried to lift this one up. You can see that I tried. I could have lied and written something different. I could have pretended. I do that very well. But I wasn't up for it. Sometimes you need to go to the edge of your inconsequential abyss and laugh at yourself. Sometimes going down is the only way you begin to flap your wings.

Lay me down in your boudoir and fill my lungs with your breath. Take off your clothes slowly, in increments of heaven. Take me away, from the pointlessly dark. Tell me you love me. Tell me I matter. Please. My thoughts keep stumbling towards you, like refugees.