Wicked Games

"Bring your love, baby.
I could bring the shame.
Bring the drugs, baby.
I could bring the pain."
- The Weeknd


What is happening to us? Why is it suddenly so hard? Everything I do makes you upset, everything you say makes me angry. We kiss and hug and make up and then hurt each other again, and again and again. This ain't no way to love, baby. This ain't no way to be. Why can't we go back to the time I remember, where all you wanted was to spend time with me? Can't you see that I'm shaking so hard I could break the world? This is my heart you're cracking. These are real tears in my eyes, girl. Can't you try and understand? And every time I try and tell you, you tell me I've done the exact same thing to you. I've said I'm sorry, how many times do you want me to say it again? Let's stop using what he did to each other as an excuse to do the same damn things over and over again. For everything I say, you have answer, that I did to you too.

I'd drive through this city twice for you, top to bottom, I want to bring you nothing but joy. I want to hold you in my arms, away from these hungry people, and raise your spirits up so high. Why won't you let me? Am I really such a monster, am I really so difficult a man? All I want to spend is time. All I want is for you to want to, as well. And when you say you want to see me, don't tell me you suddenly can't. Of course I'll get angry at that. Damn it, I'm allowed to. And if I made you feel that way once, why didn't you tell me so I could make sure it never happened again?

And after a night like we just had, after a day like today for you to send me a message that says "You're right, and I cannot say anything to make you feel better, just know that I am not wrong either and I'm sorry" - WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY? You say it's not my fault, so why does it always feel like it is? You say you're not blaming me, but your face says it anyway. If I hurt you, I'm sorry, if I was confused, now I'm clear, if I was hesitant, I'm so sure it hurts. Just please, stop punishing me for making you wait. I just want to love you. I just want to love you. But I can't if it's so damn difficult.

Let me in. Let me through. I'm standing in the shadows of every door, waiting for you. This is love, it shouldn't hold so much pain. This is truth, it shouldn't feel like a law we're breaking. This is you, I should be treating you like a treasure. This is me, I'd burn down the world if it hurt you. Why are we hurting each other? Why are we here? Me on this damn laptop, and you surrounded by people you'd rather be with than me, and still sending me messages.

I just had the kind of night where the laughter was deep but the pain lurked a lot deeper. Where the cigarettes were all unwanted and nightmares will come hunting for the sleeper. What happened to the man I used to be, who walked so tall? When did I become the man who wants to set fire to it all?

Love me or leave me. It can't be difficult. I don't want it if it is. I don't want to keep making you cry. I want to love you from morning to sundown, until the morning star finally abandons the sky. I don't want to sit alone at home and smoke a cigarette I shouldn't, punching pillows that did nothing wrong. There's only so much a heart can bear, for only so long. So here we are, darling. On opposite sides of this city. We could have been something amazing. We could have...sigh, shrug. Pity.