Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder why I wonder so much, when all my muscles get weighed down just by the pressure of my thoughts. Sometimes I drink one coffee too many and start feeling ants crawling around behind my eyes and an itch right under my foot. Sometimes I leave the lights off in the bathroom so I can't see the mirror. Sometimes I write so badly I vow never to write again. Sometimes I can see my name in lights and a beautifully wrapped book with my name on it in the hands of a pretty girl. Sometimes I'm just plain shallow. Sometimes I can spend the day reading Batman comics and think it a day well spent. Sometimes the loneliness and anticipation that go with my acting job get so heavy I want to sink into the ground and give it all up. Sometimes I drive into rush hour traffic just to feel like I'm part of the herd. Sometimes I want to leap out of my car and start dancing on the roof. Sometimes there's a whisper in the air just behind my left ear, like someone said my name and then disappeared. It's always a female voice. Sometimes I wonder about that. Sometimes I actually believe in destiny. Sometimes I feel ridiculous for having done so. Sometimes I accept party invitations just to remind myself why it's better to grab a good book and stay home. Sometimes I actually have a lot of fun. Sometimes I catch myself thinking Bombay is a good city to be in now and then. Sometimes I look and love every single thing I see. Sometimes I walk into my apartment and for the first time since I left home at seven years old, feel like I'm returning to MY home. Sometimes I feel like shit, and wish I could forget, and just be normal for a bit. Sometimes I can count the number of friends I feel I have without raising a single finger. Sometimes the love overwhelms me. Sometimes I pick up my phone and go through my contact list, and wonder who I should call just to hear another human voice, then I switch the phone off. Sometimes I watch silly Hollywood movies and eat chips and feel completely at peace. Sometimes I actually slow down when walking in the rain, while everybody dashes around. Sometimes I dream of her, sometimes I actually see her face. Sometimes when I sleep I do so on the floor with no quilt and no pillows. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I've slept for a week straight and the most important moments of my life have been missed. Sometimes my phone rings and I refuse to answer it or look to see who's calling, imagining instead who I wish it was. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't think so much. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't smoke so much. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't write so little or sketch so rarely. Sometimes I actually believe I'm gonna rule the world with my eyes closed, in slippers sipping Sangria wearing a black robe. Sometimes I want to leave the country and travel to the Shaolin Temple and ask them to teach me kung-fu. Sometimes I want to pick a fight just to get knocked out. Sometimes I have nothing to say and I just stare and smile and wonder when the other person will figure it out and shut the fuck up. Sometimes I write without pausing, like this, and read back what I've written and start laughing. Sometimes I think - time to look for a good shrink. Sometimes I smile and start over.