Introspective Corrective

Less than two weeks to go for “Sikandar” to release. The hoardings and the publicity started in earnest from today. Driving to and from my daily appointments I saw a few bus banner ads and a few big hoardings around town. Felt fantastic, felt like our dream is finally coalescing into a tangible reality, an expectant lover reaching out for a touch. Then I noticed something that filled me with my own personal, familiar cocktail of anger and amusement - I”m not on any of the posters!

Anger, disgust, self-loathing, ironic amusement, tear-jerking mirth, homicidal rage, dejection, resignation, and finally quiet introspection. I started to consider whether I should even bother getting so impassioned over what seemed to me a simple marketing decision. What’s more important to me? My own individual success and some pedestrian, egocentric need to be famous, or the success of the picture I’m a big part of. And I know I’m a big part of the film. The fact that I’m not on the poster shouldn’t matter, right?

But for a burning few minutes, it did. Any actor, or model, or performer, has within them a desire to be noticed, applauded, acknowledged. Sure we do, we shouldn’t hide it or deny it. We all love our crafts and are fulfilled by them, at least I hope “we” are, I know I am - but there is certainly a sprinkling of self-aggrandizement in the mix. When Dustin Hoffman asked Laurence Olivier why he thought they were actors, why anyone would want to be an actor, Olivier asked, “You want to know, boy? You really want to know why we do what we do?” Whereupon he stood up and leaned over the table, putting his face inches away from Hoffman’s and hissed, “Look at me, look at me, look at me.”

Truth be told, a few minutes later, I was quite disgusted with myself. I thought I had, long ago, wrestled my artistic ego to the ground and told it to behave. I thought I had convinced myself that the most important thing about being an actor, is the work itself - the becoming, the delving, the search. It was humbling to see just how far from that I am. But I refuse to give up the travail to reach that ideal, otherwise I am not in service to the craft of acting, I’m expecting the craft to be in service to me. And that is not how actors achieve that rare, thrilling resonance on screen. Someone said on a comment that an actor needs to connect with the audience. I disagree - an actor needs to connect with their own humanity, their own imperfections, and through that connection, help the audience connect with their own. A great actor makes you feel WITH him, not necessarily for. And to become that kind of actor, is my heart’s truest desire. My ego is just an impediment in the way, like a desert I have to cross to reach my ocean.

It’s amazing how easily the ego gets bruised, or offended, or affronted. What’s important, for me, is to learn to move forward despite it’s tantrums. No matter that I’m not on the posters - posters get taken down. I’m IN the film, and that can never be taken away, by anyone.